His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
