You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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