JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
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