Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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