You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
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