Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize