If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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