When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Randomize
