while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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