Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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