Where did you get a picture of my penis
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
