Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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