I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
