the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
If I die, sorry about rent.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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