Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
