I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
