Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Dignity is for republicans.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
