i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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