a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
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