Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
