Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
