She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
