it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
