She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
