3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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