you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
