I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
