I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
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