I hate all girls vehemently.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
so let's talk penis.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Randomize
