win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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