You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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