I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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