Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
