the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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