I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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