We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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