my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
You dont lie about slip and slides
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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