I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
