OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
