You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
