Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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