So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
