I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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