i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
