false alarm. still invincible.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
