It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
