I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Non-Jews are for practice
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
