I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
