I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
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