My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I cut my penus on the lid.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
