At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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