It's Friday. Sex?
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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