I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
