I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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