I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
