I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
